This past year has been tough. I am a server. I love serving. I love doing things for God and for people and alot of times thats how I would feel validated. This past year was tough because I felt called to step back from serving so much. I felt distant. From people and God. I felt abandoned. Not because I was abandoned but because thats where I got my worth. I have learnt this year, that thats not what its about. I served because I love God but also because I needed it. I felt loved by serving. I show love by serving. I was serving mostly out of myself, for myself. How do I know? I got offended. I held on to the offenses because I felt I was being sensitive but since I was serving out of myself, my vision got clouded. I let it affect my relationship with God. I felt why would he have me serve people like this. My oh my what a wrong view. I continued serving but was hurt and ready to give up. Completely.. Done.. Felt like it was time to move on somewhere else, but I knew God wasnt calling me to leave where I was. He was teaching me something. He was teaching me about my heart. I was serving God, Yes. But I was growing weary. Galations 6:9 "Says do not grow weary, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up." I knew I couldnt give up. In the past I would have just quit. It wasnt working, must not be the right place. But this time I knew I was in the right place, but my heart wasnt.
God wanted me to realize yes you will get offended but I was serving out of myself. I felt worth in Christ because of serving. God wanted me to see He Loved me no matter what. He is with me when I am busy serving Him but He is also with me when I am not. I always felt closer to God because I was doing, when I wasnt doing I wasnt close. He wanted me to see my relatinship and closeness to Him shouldnt matter if I serve alot, a little or not at all. He has a relationship with me because He loves me. He wants me, busy or not. I am not worth more if I serve at Church every weekend. I was to serve Christ because thats where I am supposed to be, not because I feel I need it to feel good about myself. I feel good about myself because of my relationship with Christ. He is there with me, ALWAYS..
I still love serving but I now know more of who I am in Him. I know I will get offended. But I know Christ loves me no matter what. When I get offended I know He will be there to help me through it. It will be easier because I am doing it for Him not me....
Prayer.. Prayer.. Prayer.. is the key to everything. I know I can talk to Him always and He will speak to me. He will direct me. He will help me get over things. I will continue seeking Him and looking to Him to change me, more into the person He wants me to be.
I encourage everyone to not grow weary, if you are ask God why? Whats going on? What can I be doing differently? How can I not feel weary? He will answer!
Dont give up. If you know you are in the right place but feel off, frustrated, burnt out. How God to direct heart.
If you give up and start over somewhere else it will happened again. Perserver! James 1:12 says, " Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.
